


to be a person

by thatlesbianxoxo



Category: Fallout (Video Games), Fallout: New Vegas
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-02-11
Updated: 2021-02-11
Packaged: 2021-03-17 19:28:05
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,234
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29355708
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/thatlesbianxoxo/pseuds/thatlesbianxoxo
Summary: Boone and the Courier revisit Bitter Springs
Kudos: 3





	to be a person

_ Who has not asked himself at some time or other: am I a monster or is this what it means to be a person? _

_ Clarice Lispector, The Hour of the Star _

  
  


Courier Nikolao stands in front of a roaring fire, arms crossed as they glare into the flames. NCR soldiers move behind them, throwing bodies clad in crimson into the pyre. The bandana wrapped around their nose and mouth does little to keep the sickly-sweet stench of burning flesh at bay.

“Sir?” A young man says behind them, fumbles for a moment- hand going halfway up for a salute, then back down to his side, “First Sergeant Astor wants to speak with you.”

“Thank you.” He fumbles again, then leaves.

They find Boone chatting quietly with a group of soldiers who eye them as they walk up. They wouldn't say the looks aren't well-earned. They're not NCR, and while the NCR did nothing, the two of them single handedly took Cottonwood Cove, and  _ they  _ swooped in to pick at the scraps.

“Astor wants to see us.” Nikolao says, and Boone nods. They turn to leave, and hears one of the soldiers whisper to the other:

“ _ Ain't they a Khan?” _

They stiffen, pausing for a split-second before getting back into step with Boone.

  
  
  


The NCR has settled in Cottonwood Cove’s HQ. Soldiers hurry in and out, and Astor sits at a desk on the first floor, writing and giving orders.

“Ah, there they are!” He says, stands and extends a hand to them. They take it, “You sure are a force to be reckoned with!”

“I suppose.” They say, lower their hand. He sits back down, waves off a man with a clipboard before he can even make it to the desk.

“I don't suppose I could convince you to enlist?”

“No.” His smile falters for a moment, but returns easily.

“Too bad. The NCR could use a soldier like you.” He says, and Nikolao winces. Astor leans back in his chair with a sigh, “Anyway, I just wanted to extend the NCR’s gratitude for aiding us in this victory, and if you ever change your mind, I'd be happy to put in a good word for you.”

“I didn't do this for the NCR.” Nik snaps, and Astor blinks. 

"I… of course. Many people in the Mojave have their own problems with the Legion. I suppose you do as well." His tone is clipped, stiff, and they know they've made him mad. Good.

With that, they turn and leave, not wanting to hear anything else he has to say; not wanting to stay in that tent any longer, the flag of the two-headed bear staring them down from the wall.

  
  
  


Boone finds them sitting at a cliff’s edge, overlooking Cottonwood Cove. They don't turn around as he walks up to them.

“You okay?”

“I’m fine.” They state, and he nods, sits down next to them, “I won't apologize.”

“I'm not going to ask you to.” He responds, and Nik sighs. They sit in silence for a long moment, then he speaks, “We need to talk.”

“I know. We've been needin’ to talk for a while.” They say, softly, “My memory’s been comin’ back.”

“Then you know?”

“Enough, at least.”

“I-”

“I need to be sure.” They say, “I need to go to Bitter Springs.”

  
  
  
  


All Nik has to do is step foot in Bitter Springs for that feeling of dread that'd been hanging over them on the journey there to worsen.

The NCR flag is hanging upside down, but that isn't why they're there. Really, they couldn't give two shits as to what trouble the NCR is dealing with.

There's a pit in their stomach, and they consider turning around, telling Boone they need to go back, that they need to leave. What's waiting for them here isn't pleasant, but when they turn to say something to him, they can see that same expression on his face, too. 

“Over there.” He says, pointing to a trail branching off from the main settlement and into the foothills surrounding Bitter Springs.

They make their way through the town, then into the hills, and then there's a grave.

Nik freezes in place, breath catching in their throat as they look down at the little cross stuck in the dirt. They look up, and there's another, and  _ another.  _ Twelve graves, scattered haphazardly through this section of the trail.

“Christ, they put the graveyard here.” Boone says, but his voice sounds distant. 

Slowly, Nik makes their way through the graves, their feet following a path that seems far too familiar until they find two graves side-by-side. There are names carved into the wooden crosses serving as markers.

“Zeya, and Jonah.” They whisper, and they hear Boone’s footsteps stop.

Nik remembers them, vaguely. A smile, a smell, that kind of thing. They wish they remembered more about them, and about that night. They remember gunfire, and screams, they remember the feeling of shock and horror when they were told what happened in the hills. 

“What happened at Bitter Springs?” Nikolao asks. They know now, but need to hear it; need to hear  _ him  _ say it. Boone seems to hesitate for a moment, then speaks.

“Main force got spotted too soon. We heard shooting. Then Khans started coming through Canyon 37 in bunches.” His voice is low as he talks, remorseful, maybe, for what they did. “It was all wrong, though. Women, kids, elderly. Wounded started coming through, too. We radioed to confirm our orders, but command didn't get what we were seeing. They told us to shoot till we were out of ammo.”

They're shaking, now, can taste ash in their mouth, can almost hear it, the screams and gunfire. They think, hard, even though it makes their head hurt to remember-

_ A volley of gunfire, screams, someone running from the escape route, shouting that the NCR was there. They scream their brother’s name, move to take off through the canyon, Father grabs their arm, pulls them behind cover. He tells them they have to finish this fight, that that they have to stay alive- _

“So that's what we did.”

“God...” Nikolao whispers, their voice shaking. Their knees hit the ground, and they look up at the ridge, expect to see the glint of a scope in the distance, "How could you?"

“Nik-”

“I need to be alone.” They interrupt him. They can't listen to this, can't listen to him try to explain himself, or justify his actions. He watches them for a moment, moves as if to stand by their side, then turns away.

“I'll be up on the ridge.” He says, and Nikolao listens to his footsteps until they disappear into the distance. 

They knew it had to be horrible, for Boone to not want to tell them. Their memory of that time in their life is fuzzy at best, but they knew the moment they stood in Bitter Springs that they had been there. And they had  _ trusted _ Boone, trusted him to have their back. 

“Fuck.” Nik hisses, slams their fist against the ground. They have to leave, have to face him- eventually.

Slowly, they pick themselves up off of the ground, dust off their jeans, and make their way back.   
  
  
  


Boone is pacing along the edge of the ridge, arms crossed over his chest. When he sees them he stops, takes a step to them, then stops again.

“Where does this leave us?” He asks, and they shrug.

“I need to think on it, Boone.” Nik says, “I just… I need time to think.”

“Can we spend the night here?” He asks, and they grimace, “That's the only thing I ask, and in the morning, you can leave.”

“Fine.” They sigh, and as the pair set up camp, Nik's not sure they'll be able to sleep, not with those graves looming over their shoulder.

  
  
  
  


“Nik, wake up.” Boone’s voice is right next to their ear. They roll out of the sleeping bag and onto the hard-packed ground, “Something's wrong.”

“What…?” They grumble as Boone helps them to their feet.

“Got a group coming our way. Looks like a Legion raiding party. It's big.” His sunglasses are still laying on his bag, and the look in his eyes is all too familiar as he looks back at Bitter Springs, “Too big.”

“ _ Fuck. _ ” They hiss, grab their rifle from where it's laying on the ground, “Let's go.”

Boone nods and follows them down from the ridge, past the graves and back into Bitter Springs. There's screaming, and Nik realizes with dread that the Legion have already made it to the refugee camp.

“They're already here!” They shout, and Boone curses.

“I'll take the high ground!” He shouts back, and disappears. 

Nik continues running, fires a round at a Legion soldier struggling to drag a woman out of one of the tents. He stumbles, moves towards Nik, then a shot rings out and his head snaps back, his body following suit as he drops.

Nik skids to a stop, looks back at where Boone has taken up position on the roof of one of the trailers, then helps the woman to her feet.

“Find somewhere to hide, we’ll take care of the Legion.” The woman nods frantically, and takes off.

Nik continues, taking out Legion scouts harassing and killing the refugees. Shots from Boone’s rifle ring out frequently, taking care of the ones they can't get.

“Get that fucking sniper!” Someone shouts, and they see a scout peel off from the main force, making a beeline for Boone’s spot.

“ _ Shit. _ ” Nik hisses, pulling their pistol from its holster at their hip and sprinting. The scout is climbing up Boone’s building, the machete in his teeth glinting in the sun “Boone!”

He turns just in time to bring his rifle up, the scout’s machete glancing off of the metal barrel, and as the scout rears back to strike again, Nik fires.

The bullet smacks into the man's torso with a  _ thump _ , and he falls back and off of the roof.

Boone looks down at them, panting hard as he rights his beret.

“You good?” They ask, and he nods.

“I'm good.”

  
  
  


When the last Legion scout is dead, they regroup in the middle of Bitter Springs.

The NCR soldiers get to work dealing with the aftermath of the attack, thank them and salute as they pass by.

“We made it.” Boone says, and Nik raises an eyebrow at him.

"Are you surprised?”

“No, I just-” He stops, then sighs, “Yes, I am. I thought for sure this would be the end. Wouldn't be a bad way to go out, either.”

“That ain't how this shit works, Boone.” Nik says, glares up at him, “Good people die, and you stay alive. You live, and you learn to deal with the shit you've done. You don't get to just… just be done with it."

“Nik-”

“You did what you did, Boone.” They continue, holding up a hand to stop him from talking, “Nothing can change it. I should hate you for it, I  _ want  _ to hate you for it."

Nik steps away a moment, glares at the NCR soldiers as they walk by. They look at the pair warily, then move on.

“You can either die having done better, or you can die wallowing in your own self-pity and acting like you're the victim.” Boone doesn't speak, “It's your choice. You want to be better? I'll be back at the ridge.”

And just like that, they leave, walking past the tents and old trailers and disappearing through the canyon.

  
  
  
  


Nik sits on that lonely ridge overlooking the graveyard for a half hour before they hear footsteps.

“Was about to start packin’ up.” They say, point down at the two graves, “That's where my mom and my brother are buried. They died here.”

His footsteps stop. Maybe he's regretting his choice, they don't know.

“I spent years trying to put what happened behind me, trying to move on. Then I get shot in the head and I have to do it all over again." They say, can feel Boone behind them, “It always comes back.”

“I'm sorry.”

“That doesn't really matter now, does it? They're still dead, and we’re still here.”

They sit in silence for a long moment before Boone speaks up.

“I know you don't want to hear it, but… I regret it." He says as he sits down next to them on the edge. "Every day."

"I know."

They sit in communal silence for a long moment, shoulders touching, listening to the wind and the sound of their own breathing.

"I need to ask you something." Nikolao finally speaks up, gets to their feet. "Can I trust you?"

"Of course you can." Boone says, almost seems offended, and they don't really blame him. The pair had been traveling together for months, now, since that fateful night at Novac.

"I mean  _ really  _ trust you. The NCR aren't my enemy, not anymore, but they aren't my ally, either."

"What are you going to do?"

"What I have to do, to survive."

He looks at them, and they can see the gears working behind his eyes as he thinks over what they've said. 

"Okay. I've got your back, Nikolao." They stand, grab his hand and pull him to his feet.

They walk away from Bitter Springs and back out into the desert. Together. 


End file.
